When I first adopted Jazzmin from the local animal shelter, I walked her every day, sometimes twice a day. Impressive considering it was the middle of winter and some mornings the temperature was below freezing with a wind chill! Jazz was never bothered by the cold though and as long as I bundled up to my eyeballs I was pretty good, especially once half my body went numb. As cold as those walks were, they were a great opportunity for Jazz and I to get to know each other. I'd been living in that particular country block for four months already and had walked the roads many times so I thought I knew them well. Wrong. Walking roads with a dog is entirely different than walking them alone. Dogs are much more conscious of their surroundings, or at least Jazz is. She could see and hear every bird flap, squirrel hop, and branch twitch and spot a deer five miles away and three hills over. I might be exaggerating slightly, but she was certainly attentive! I hadn't owned a dog since I was a teenager and while Jazz listened to everything else while on a leash, she tended to ignore the leash holder, ie me. I therefore had to learn to be more aware of my surroundings so I could anticipate when she might decide to try and take mama for a drag. By the time spring arrived, I was better at spotting squirrels than she was and saw several that she never even knew were there. On my solo walks I'd already nurtured my love for observing nature as I stopped to watch birds, peer into streams and try to figure out what all the different trees were. Walking Jazz made me that much more perceptive of things and every walk I see something new. Tonight was a bit humid but the air had cooled so Jazz and I headed out on one of our shorter walks which totals about a mile. There is no such thing as a flat road anywhere near me so whatever direction we go involves walking hills. It's good for both of us and has blessed us with lovely legs and hindquarters. On the walk out I saw a family of bluebirds flitting around on the power lines. They studied me intently as I walked beneath them and I stopped to look up at them and appreciate their pretty blue wings, white bellies and the touch of orange on their breasts. I always find it amusing to think of the phrase "bluebird of happiness" because most of the bluebirds I've seen look kind of grumpy. I don't think they are actually grumpy, they're just very watchful. There were also lots of young finches and sparrows flying about and chirping nervously as their parents showed them how to find food. Further down the road I saw a couple monarch butterflies gliding lazily from leaf to leaf trying to decide where to rest. I longed for a breeze to keep the biting flies and mosquitoes at bay but the air stirred very little and after a family of three deer, a mama and two babies, crossed the road in front of us I decided to head back. I think Jazz believes she's a deer because whenever she sees them she wants to run off with them. Mama don't run with deer. I was almost back to the road I live on when I noticed some odd looking red leaves on the road. They were small and curled in such a peculiar manner they almost resembled some small creatures. Upon further inspection, I realized they weren't leaves at all, they were indeed creatures, orange lizards of some kind. I'd never seen any sort of lizard in my area before and I've lived in this region of the state for 10 years. I touched one of them gently with my fingertip because he was so small and he remained frozen in position with his little claws stuck to the pavement. I really didn't think near the edge of the road was the safest place for the first pair I found so I picked them gently up by their tails and placed them in the grass. Another 20 feet down the road I saw an even smaller lizard so I carefully relocated him too. From that point on I watched where I was walking but I didn't see any other little creatures in need of a helpful nudge out of danger. As the weather cools again Jazz and I will go on more walks and I'm eager to enjoy the sight of the leaves changing colors. I love autumn and if I could just skip winter altogether, life would be much warmer. I look forward to whatever Jazz and I discover and I'm certain my perception of the world around me will continue to bring enlightenment and joy.
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I went to the lake Friday evening after work. There were storms rolling in from the south and while it was warm and humid, the strong winds off the lake kept my skin cool. I love being by the water and while I prefer the ocean waves, lake ripples will do for now. As it was such a nice summer night, there were plenty of people walking the sidewalks of the lake park, enjoying the fenced in beach and cruising around in boats. I had my hair down and was wearing one of my summer dresses and while the wind thoroughly tangled my long tresses, it only tried to blow my skirt up a few times. I stood by the shore looking down the lake for quite some time and was rewarded by several flashes of lightning off in the distance. The storm never came any closer than that but it certainly made for a beautifully tumultuous sky. I eventually left my spot by the shore and walked the gravel paths that outline that northern area of the lake. I am often a quiet observer in life and I passed many people as I walked. There were couples and families and owners walking their dogs and I soon realized that I was the only person there alone. Watching the couples and families walk by, I noticed that many of them didn't even seem to be enjoying having company. The couples were talking about this, that and the other thing without even holding hands and the families were busily trying to wrangle kids and appearing rather frustrated with that endeavor. I wonder how many of them ever took just one moment to savor the blessings they have in their life and breathe in everything around them. I wasn't truly alone as I walked. I carry so many people within my heart and thoughts of them keep me company. My father's spirit is forever near his little girl and I knew he would've been enjoying the windy evening at the lake as much as I was. Had my best friend been with me we would've been talking at high speed and giggling about our long history together. Just thinking of her made me smile. The man I love is never far from my thoughts and his company in my heart is truly all I have of him most of the time. I took several photographs trying to capture it all and hoping that some of them would come out decent enough to share with him later. He does actually know what he's doing with a camera and I am envious of how he so effortlessly expresses a moment in a photograph. I eventually found myself standing at the end of one of the boat docks facing into the wind and smiling. The sun had long ago disappeared behind the gray and blue clouds and the waves were growing more turbulent as the storms circled the area. I closed my eyes and brought thoughts of all those I love to the surface of my mind and felt my emotions swirling in my heart. They are always with me and I sent my love out to them so that they will know that I am forever with them. Until we can all be physically together, joined in spirit will suffice and it keeps me strong enough to work toward that eventual amazing meeting of all those I hold dear. I've been slacking and haven't taken Jazzmin on a good walk in a while. It's been too warm or too buggy...or some other stupid excuse. Well it was cooler last night and the nastiest of the biting flies have died out for the summer so off we went! As usual, Jazz was raring to go, but as I'm teaching her not to pull, we stopped five times before we even made it to the end of my road. The local bunnies were testing her obedience by munching happily away in the shoulder of the road and while Jazz wanted to chase the adorable little fluffy things, I kept her under control and made her sit until they hopped off out of sight. That distraction dealt with, we resumed our stride. The air was a little thick but there was a nice breeze to help cool the sweat and I decided I'd take Jazz halfway up the biggest hill on our walk route. The sun had nearly set and neither of us was at our aerobic peak anymore so it seemed like a reasonable plan. We got halfway up without any trouble and I paused just a moment before deciding we were going to conquer the whole hill. Halfway had been easy enough and we weren't overly winded and continuing the uphill climb didn't seem daunting at all. After all, we'd done it many times before... I quickly remembered that the hill gets much steeper after the halfway point as my calves and thighs burned and Jazz's tongue began to drag on the ground. She certainly wasn't pulling anymore and we were both panting but we kept going at our strong pace and sure enough we made it up! The view of the surrounding countryside is amazing from the top of that hill and it's like stepping into a whole new world. I was very proud of myself and my breath soon returned. No one was there cheering me on or pushing me to go all the way up and Jazz would have been fine turning around, but I'm just not someone who can go halfway. Even if it seems crazy and risky, I go all the way and I'm constantly testing my own limits and discovering my own strength. In order to be a source of strength for those I love, I have to first be strong myself. I have to have faith that somehow things will be okay. As I told my best friend last night, there are more dimensions to faith than there are stars in the sky. My friend has told me that with Jazz I need to be the leader, he says it's up to me to show her the way. Have confidence, he says. Great words of advice for much more than training my pup! I admit that my confidence can waver on occasion and it really never should because I know in my heart that I am an amazing woman and that I can handle, and have handled, anything life throws at me. Life lessons are rarely easy and they hurt, but I know that when I keep going and push through the pain, all the suffering will be healed by the bright, beautiful light that forever shines through the darkness. Every time I step outside my house I am greeted by the song of my local house wren. He can actually be heard even when the windows are closed, his song is so high, trill and persistent. I first heard him in March as he hopped among the branches in the pine tree that towers over my house in the front yard. I didn't realize what he was up to until I went out to fill the feeder in that tree one day and discovered the perches on it stuffed with pine tree twigs and feathers. I briefly considered removing the twigs but then decided to just remove the cap of the feeder so he could get his twigs into the fake little plastic house easier. That front feeder had never been particularly popular with the birds and I admired his determination. I did some research on house wrens and learned that the males create several nests in the hopes that they'll be able to persuade a female to mate with them. In the human world it might be equivalent to a man coming up to a woman and saying he has six lovely homes in different scenic locations and she can pick whichever one she likes most, if she'll just agree to be his for a while. Depending on the woman, she might slap the man or pause and contemplate the possibilities. Regardless, the male house wren certainly isn't lazy and should be admired for his effort. I decided I'd help improve his odds by hanging the birdhouse my daughter painted last year in the pine tree in the back yard. Sure enough, within a few days the thing was stuffed to overflowing with twigs and grass. Every day without fail he's out there twittering away as he flies from the front pine tree to the back pine tree singing out hopefully for a female. This has been going on for months now and the poor guy still hasn't found a mate. I haven't heard the answering call of a female house wren even once and I truly feel for the little feathered bachelor. Apparently even in the animal world, finding love can be a real challenge. I often wonder what it is about this male that the females find lacking. Do they think he's not strong or handsome enough? Well they're wrong there because I've seen him up close and he has nice plumage and gets rather feisty when I investigate one of his nests. I have no doubt he will stoutly defend his family when the time comes. Is there simply a shortage of female house wrens locally? This is a distinct possibility since I haven't seen a single potential mate for him yet. Perhaps he should try flying further afield to increase his chances. After all, one never knows where love will be found and the quest for it can lead to places never seen before. Maybe, just maybe, if he spreads his wings a little wider, musters the full power of his courage and journeys outside his usual territory, he will find exactly what he's looking for. I have great hope for him and look forward to someday seeing eggs in one of his many nests. I understand his plight, for while I do not use my voice to sing out for my love, I call to him with my spirit and my heart and I continue to believe that there will come a day when we are together. Until then, I will continue to work on my nests and fly around trying to navigate the unpredictable winds of life. Time is such an unusual beast sometimes. It can pass so slowly and painfully, or speed by far too fast, or seem to have not existed at all. Never underestimate the amazing powers time possesses. After not seeing my friend for several months I expected to cry the moment I laid my eyes on him. To my surprise, I did not. Why? Because the moment I saw him again it felt like barely any time had passed at all and that it had only been mere days since we said goodbye. I only know one other person who I feel that way about and she is my best friend whom I have known for over 20 years. She and I knew each other for many years before life and distance separated us, whereas the friend I saw this weekend I haven't even known a year yet. It is an amazing familiarity to find twice in my life and one I feel blessed to have. My east coast friend and I are kindred spirits but we're certainly not exactly alike. He is a laid back and yet hard worker and I am an overly energetic creature who has trouble keeping focused. Wise people say that finding balance is important and I think he and I balance each other somewhat. We are both finding our way in this confusing, obstacle-filled world and we are both optimists. His strength is far more obvious and honed where mine tends to be hidden and disorganized. I do not believe I am completely hopeless though. He took me to a butterfly sanctuary and it was a wonderful experience! I love butterflies and they are very symbolic to me of hope and renewal. To see them all flying around in clusters, pairs and solo was truly beautiful. We were both using our camera phones to take pictures of the butterflies and I watched enviously as he would touch the screen on his phone to make his camera focus where he wanted it to. My phone has no such feature and an upgrade is not in the foreseeable future, so the pictures I took with it did not always focus on my intended subject. As I watched him touching to focus the picture, it reminded me much of what it takes to make me truly find my own focus. I need to be touched. Touching me physically and touching my heart is a powerful combination and it helps bring everything into focus for me. I feel like this wild, flickering light that's always bouncing around seeking a place to rest and never quite finding it. I glow brighter sometimes and grow dim during other times and I know that if I just focus my energy, I can harness the light within me and intensify it for the whole world to see. My friend and I parted after not quite a whole day together and it was not easy for me to say goodbye. I vowed that I would see him again and I will. Time is still weaving a complicated path for he and I and the timing itself still isn't quite right but I have hope and my eternal stubborn determination to help me through. Like a finger upon a touchscreen, I will touch to focus, trace a path through and over any obstacles in the way, and press on until my light glows so bright it's blinding. The air was very still tonight
The glow of fireflies the only light I heard a rumbling in the distance Mother Nature in her usual dance. A cloudy darkness, thick and warm Will be no drier after the storm And yet to breathe it in brings comfort For someone of the simple earthy sort. Bare feet upon upon a cool deck I step to the railing just to check What stretches beyond the open field And wonder what life will someday yield. The first big drops of rain start to fall I close my eyes, smile, enjoy it all My skin, my clothes, my hair all wet But I am not ready to go inside yet. There is something so cleansing about warm rain How it opens my heart and washes away the pain So many dreams I haven't claimed My spirit wild and forever untamed. I am a lover, fighter, champion and friend Who like the willow has learned to bend For in this life there are no rewards To those who never lay down their swords. There must be balance to keep things going To accept and understand that even hurt is worth knowing The lessons are not always fun And some battles can not be won. Every storm comes fierce and strong But such power and fury can't last long And when peace returns and turmoil is gone There will always be a brighter and more beautiful dawn. I admit it, I was lazy over the three day holiday weekend and didn't get up at 5am even once. That really was the extent of my laziness though because once I was up and moving, I didn't stop moving until the sun set! The weather this weekend was beautiful so of course I tackled yard work and made sure my acreage didn't turn into a wild jungle. I even trimmed the tall bushes in front of my house because their new growth was making it difficult to see out my picture window. Trimming bushes taller than I am was no easy task and involved carefully balancing being on a ladder, operating electric sheers and not leaning so far forward I fell into the bushes or tipped the ladder backward. I think I burned more calories being all nervous doing that than I did performing physical exertion in hot temperatures and beating sun. Coordination has never been my strong point, but I survived and conquered the bushes (mostly) and can now gaze happily out my front window to watch the sunrise lighten the sky.
There's a little house wren outside the window this morning and it's amazing that such a loud song comes from such a tiny thing. He's being very persistent and dedicated in his morning exuberance and I'm impressed. I do know what it is though to be so determined that nothing will stop me and like the wren, I remain undeterred when someone growls at me. I didn't growl at him but I imagine people who love mornings less than I do certainly would. I suppose my tenacious nature and refusal to give up on certain dreams and desires might wear on the nerves of those who don't truly understand me, but I still feel such qualities are to be admired. I took a very important and long overdue step yesterday by mailing out an inquiry letter for one of my many romance novels. I will be following that one letter up with many others to various publishers and I won't quit this time until my books are out there to be read and enjoyed by others. I love to share my passion, I live for it and I truly can't afford to waste any more time on silly things like fear of rejection and criticism. What I write is real and genuine because it comes from my life experiences and is spoken from my heart. Someday a truly enlightened person will see that, and then look out world! No really, look out because I tend to be kind of clumsy and I might stumble into you when my exuberance disorients me while I navigate the exciting path to success. I apparently hit snooze twice this morning because by the time I was awake enough to realize the time, it was 5:20. I felt like I could sleep for another 3 to 4 hours without any problem but alas, that isn't an option for me at this point in my life. Sleeping through what I now see is a beautiful morning would have been a waste anyway, but the temptation was still there.
The weather this past weekend was absolutely amazing and a true taste of the hot summer days ahead. As much as I might complain about sweating and burning in the sun (even with SPF 45 sunblock on) I much prefer those "problems" over shoveling and driving in snow and freezing during the winter. Heat can be dealt with by turning on the air conditioner and/or fans, drinking tons of water, staying in the shade and wearing as little clothing as possible. After a full day out in the sun and light breezes, I feel wonderfully tired and I smell like fresh air and sunshine. I could have spent the nice weather weed whacking, pulling the grass out of my potential flower garden, trimming my front bushes or other outdoor chores, but instead I chose to take a break and a breather by traveling to the bigger hills of southern New York State. It was a great drive full of sights I forgot existed in this state, open roads with little traffic and minimal construction, and a destination that was both familiar and yet still new to me. I met new people, I walked new streets, I took in new sights and all of that to me is a coveted gift. It felt so good to talk, laugh, share my thoughts and experiences with others and listen to their's. As isolated as I am where I live, I miss that real human interaction that I believe we all need. As I never truly know when such interaction will happen again, and I strive to not take anything for granted, I made the most of every moment and tried to memorize it all. I always hope that I leave behind a good impression and enjoyable memories of me when I leave a person and a place so that every now and then the people I've met say "remember that girl..." as I cross their minds in one of life's endless stories. I am a stubborn little thing. When someone tells me I can't do something, I do my darnedest to prove them wrong. I have this eternal fire within me that drives me to work harder and test the limits of my own strength. For too long a period in my life I was made of this very fragile and breakable stuff and I had to be very careful to protect myself from any potential threat that might crack or shatter me. That all changed when my father died and I realized that protecting myself from living had robbed me of true happiness and allowed me to be unfairly trapped in a proverbial cave. I quickly rediscovered just how much of my father's strength and spirit exists within me once he was no longer on this earth to try and drive that point into my hard little head.
The quest to gain my own happiness and freedom was not an easy one, but my determination never faltered and I clung to the faith that life really would get better. I had some great friends supporting me through my transition and metamorphosis and they have my eternal gratitude! There were many middle of the night texts and tear-filled phone calls and unexpected and heart breaking setbacks but with a little (okay a lot of) help from my friends, I survived. Friendships that endured all that and continued into my life of freedom are more rare than diamonds and truly priceless. The weather this past weekend was absolutely beautiful and I spent the majority of it outside working on something or other. I weed whacked for the first time in my life and I actually had fun. Yes, I said fun, that wasn't a typo. My forearms were killing me and I was covered with dandelion guts by the time I finished but I was grinning from ear to ear because I had cleaned up MY yard! No one was there telling me I was doing it wrong or that I'd missed a spot or any such stupid thing. It's my house and my yard and while I might not do things the way others would, I don't honestly care because how I do things works just perfectly for me. I also planted my little flower sprouts in my first attempt at a real garden. My father's green thumb doesn't come naturally or easy to me, I really have to work for it, but I'm up to the task! The sun likes to mess with me, as my friend says, and it beat down on me the entire time I was sitting in my garden digging little holes, planting seeds and playing in the dirt. The back of my neck was thoroughly sunburned by the time I finished and stood up and it was then that the sun decided to vanish behind a huge bank of clouds. I rolled my eyes at the way Mother Nature toys with me but I smiled at my hard work. I don't know how many of my seeds will actually grow into mature flowers but I'm hoping by the end of summer I'll have at least a few daisies for my children to pick. Today every muscle in my body is sore and I'm scratched, bruised and burned but all I can say is...bring it! There's always a new challenge to face and new obstacles to overcome but I can handle it, I always do somehow. Go ahead and tell me I can't do something; I'll just dig my heels in, roll up my sleeves, muster my strength and set my stubborn little spirit in motion to prove you wrong. I love lilacs. Their clusters of delicate looking blooms, their bright green leaves, and their simple sweet beautiful fragrance. I was so excited when I moved into my house last summer and discovered that the bushes in my back yard were lilacs. The bushes are already well established and too tall for the deer to do too much damage to so I was hopeful I'd have tons of blooms in spring. Alas, this spring was not kind to them. The weather warmed up really early in March and my lilac bushes all budded out looking eager to bloom. Then we got almost an entire month full of frigid nights, wind, rain and snow and my efforts to preserve the delicate buds failed. By the time the weather warmed up and stayed warm almost all of the multitude of buds on my lilac bushes had wilted and drooped on their stems. There are a few tiny clusters of blossoms that survived on the smaller bushes and I'm certain next spring they will all be amazing if Mother Nature has a few less mood swings.
With my bushes ruined, I had to get my lilac fix elsewhere. Happily there are some homes in the town I work in that have lilac bushes. I take a walk on my lunch break whenever the weather is nice enough, and yesterday the rain had finally stopped and the sun peaked out now and then. I hit the sidewalk with my cell phone serving as my MP3 player and my ear buds blasting up-tempo music into my senses. There was a nice breeze to help cool my skin and the leaves were coming out on all the trees and I couldn't help but smile. Due to the erratic weather, the lilacs seem to be blooming at all different times so while one lilac bush I walk by was past its peak, another one I passed on my way back was in its full glory. It was in the yard of the American Legion and it was so beautiful I had to get closer. I walked up to it, cupped one of its overflowing clusters of blooms in my hands, closed my eyes and lowered my nose to breathe in their sweet fragrance. I grew up with tree-size lilac bushes behind my house and whenever I smell lilacs I'm taken back to those younger days when life seemed so much simpler. I could have stood there for hours enjoying those lilacs but alas I had to return to work before my break was over. So yes, I do actually stop to smell the flowers. In this busy life with its seemingly non-stop pace, I make sure I always take the time to press pause and enjoy the peaceful moments. Tomorrow is never guaranteed and now may be all we have. Every moment, every memory, every new experience, every lesson, every smile, every hug, every kiss...claim them, embrace them, and know that no one can ever take their power from your spirit. |
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